#NotImpressed

This episode opens up 3 years later in Dallas, Texas, where Caroline has a job managing what appears to be a news studio. Besides party planning, wedding planning, and funeral planning, this seems like perfect job for her. A co-worker approaches her about a call from her fiance, who we learn later is NOT STEFAN. But he wants to make a trip back to Mystic Falls, which suggests he has already been there. God knows who this is...

"Did you say Stefan is not my fiance?"

Back in present day, we take a turn onto "Blair Witch" avenue, where some idiots with ghost hunting gear are investigating "the truth about Mystic Falls". To sum it up, the heretics appear, the kids are brutally murdered, and Matt Donovan tries to help but ends up a victim. This scene is a far cry from what us viewers are used to seeing. However, I think that although it was very inconsistent to the way the show is normally shot, it worked very well for the storyline due to the fact that every little detail in the show is being played with and experimented with because of the loss of the main character.

#GhostSelfie

Then the scariest thing happens - students actually attend class. Yes, Bonnie went to class. Actually, she went to occult studies, which isn't really necessary considering she is living it. After Alaric gives an insightful lecture on death and trespassing, Bonnie approaches him about how he is dealing with his grief. After brushing it off, he asks her about the Phoenix Stone. Her face says it all...

"So how about that extra-credit?"

So far, Stefan has been acting very non-Stefany. He keeps making jokes and comments at inopportune times. Stefan never makes jokes. AT ALL. That is Damon's line of work. His mother who appears while he is on patrol of the streets is in no mood for his unusual funny-business. He finds out that Caroline has been taken as punishment for Malcolm's death. 

Insert glib joke here

Meanwhile, the damsel-not-in-distress manages to break free from Enzo, who cannot seem to get anything done as Lily's right hand man because he is way too sympathetic toward Caroline. Nora and Mary-Louise decide to play the finder's keeper's card and take matters into their own hands. 

"Do not get in the way of Steroline!"

The Salvatore brothers have moved into the Lockwood Mansion, which seems to be the best place for people to stay when they have no where to go, behind the Salvatore boarding house. Stefan and Damon initiate their routine fight on what Damon messed up and how they are going to fix it.

"What do you mean you aren't Caroline's fiance?"

Bonnie decides to investigate the Phoenix Stone with Rick. When he hands her the stone she doesn't feel any magic, but if you have been watching this show for all seven seasons, you can guess that's not true. Especially if the evil heretic ringleader wants to get her hands on it too. Once Bonnie preforms a spell to uncloak the magic, she gets a gruesome vision of people dying and decides that the stone should be destroyed. Good thinking Bonnie. She's been watching for all seven seasons...

Balaric and the Order of the Phoenix Stone

Back in Mystic Falls, Nora, Mary Louise, and Caroline are acting out Mean Girls: Vampire Edition. Who knew that a dress from Queen Victoria's funeral would be so fetch? On Wednesdays, we wear eyeliner - in our eyes.

"Guys, I am totally Regina George. Duh..."

Poor Matty blue, always getting caught up in supernatural emergencies. The fact that Bonnie has to stop his heart just enough for him to be technically dead and then bring him back to life by the skin of her teeth reminds me of that one time he had to drown himself so he could communicate with Vicki and then Bonnie had to use CPR to save him. I really do feel bad for the poor guy...

"Are you kidding? I love it when you half kill me and try to bring me back to life again."

Valerie, the whiny heretic who didn't get invited to the Mean Girls squad decides to show kindness to Caroline, who should be skeptical. Valerie pretends to do Caroline a favor by "vervaining" her skin but in the end it proves to be hindrance to Stefan and Damon's plan. Mary Louise comes in vervains Caroline, and the show goes on.

"You can't sit with us."

 Damon pays a visit to his Lily's house and is greeted by Enzo who tips him off about Lily's intentions of burying Malcom. After a while of analyzing Enzo's riddles, he finally realizes what is at stake. Elena.

"Stefan isn't Caroline's fiance...? Yaaaaaaasssss"

Lily has offered a deal to Damon. She tells him a story about toy soldiers and broken vases in an effort to drive he and Stefan apart. She will leave Elena alone if and only if Damon gets as far away as possible. I suggest Mars, I hear they have water there now. 

"Who is this Nina Dobrev girl everyone is obsessing over?"

Stefan is about to save the day when he and Caroline fly apart. Foreshadowing? Nope, just a new homeowner. Enzo finally did something useful and signed the deed over to the maid. 

"Time for a nap."

Sketchytown Rick is back at the morgue and never actually listened to Bonnie's advice to destroy the demon device aka the Phoenix Stone. He decides to try it out on some random guy that is laying out on one of the tables and after a long 3 seconds he starts to twitch. He wakes up - until Rick removes the stone and he dies again. Something tells me he should have listened to Bonnie.

"You aren't Jo..."